Finally..

Finally am back staying in hall..After a week long of not staying in hall cos of E-Learning week, I am back..Muahaha..ok..wat am I laughing abt?



Alrightz...back at hall means one wk closer to exams...DARN~!! I need to study I need to study!! Hmmz....yeah...I need to study...Lagging so far back...zzzz...



Ok...I wonder wat am I blogging? I guess I am juz trying to fill up the empty space btn now and like...my last post?haha...

A Sunday like today

The day today is Sunday...A rainy sunday..



Woke up, to a rainy day..woke up initially at 10 plus..then decided to go back sleep..the next thing I know, it's 1.30..LOLz...Woke up today without so much an aching heart..well not as much as before alrdy..things are lightening up, within me, at least..I'm so glad I can finally see myself this way..heh..More to come, more to come.. =)



This coming school week is E-Learning week..I wonder if I shd go back hall..hmmz...well if I can manage to psycho daddy-o to lend me e car..then I won't! LOLz...haha...Shall see how la..hehe...



A Sunday like today...finally a day worth waking up to...

It's e wkend once again...

It's e wkend once again...Once again...once again..once again, I come back home w an empty yet heavy heart..



So much I wanna say,
So much I wanna do..
But at e end of e day,
There's nth I can do..
I wanna cry out,
But the words that come out,
Are words that no one can hear..



The best words that reach a person's heart,
Does not come from one's mouth..
Words can hurt,
Words can heal..
But the one that hurts e most,
Is neither spoken,
Nor written..
It is SILENCE..



Shattered..
You came,
And shattered my heart to a million pieces..
Most others will,
Pick up e pieces one by one,
And slowly mend it back..
But I rather,
Pick up e pieces,
And place em one by one,
On e night sky..
As stars,
To shine and guide you,
Even through your darkest hours..



You came, and went..
You may not see me..
But e stars I've placed,
Are still shining ever so brightly for you..

Waterpolo..

Recently, each time I go for any waterpolo training..I always train, or play like there's no tmr..good or bad?I dunno..I juz noe that..each time I go down, I juz wanna get rid of watever's tt churning inside me..



Take e recent saturday..I went down SAJC to train..I played for 3 hours straight there..NOT wanting to stop..despite the fact tt I was alrdy falling sick..but no..I juz wanted to continue..knowing in e back of my head that once I stop, I'll start thinking of many stuff again...



Today, juz now..we had training (the uni team)..and we played 4 qtrs of 10min each..I dunno wat's gotten into me, but I juz played liket there's really no tmr..even though I had performed better last time like yrs back, but juz now, I was really hooked..din wanna stop...I played e whole 4 qtrs...no doubt most other players did too...but I din wanna stop..in fact, right after the 4th qtr ended..I still wanted to play summore...There's juz so much in me...that I juz...wanna throw out...I juz wanna play till..I lay flat there...completely devoid of strength..completely devoid of energy...completely devoid of feelings...I juz wanna lay there...where e only thing tt will ever come to mind is: I need rest...but no..it juz doesnt happen that way...Still...I wanted to carry on...



Waterpolo, I guess..is my only form of outlet in this alrdy forsaken life of mine...I may look peaceful on e outside...but there's really too much going on within me..there's juz so much I wanna say..but I dunno how to go abt doing so..Everyday the pressure within me is building up..everyday I wanna juz do sth destructive...And my only outlet is that once or twice per wk where I have control of e ball..and place watever out-of-control stuff I haf into e ball..and juz whack..For those few moments, I feel lighter...and cos I feel lighter..I can carry on to juz whack...juz swim..juz throw..juz fight...juz do unto myself like there was nv even a myself in e first place..



But when the whole thing ends...e whole training ends...e pressure within me..builds up once more...and it builds up at an exponential rate..till it returns to e level it was b4 I started playing...I really wished that I cld juz play and play and play and play till I really lay flat..



There's juz...too much going on inside me...

Alone Again, Naturally

Truly, a song that cannot be more appropriate to describe what I am going thru now..



In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch at a church
Where people saying: "My God, that's tough
She's stood him up"
No point in us remaining
We may as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally



To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to well wouldn't do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much, as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God and His mercy
Or if He really does exist
Why did He desert me in my hour of need
I truly am indeed Alone again, naturally



It seems to me that there are more hearts
broken in the world that can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?



Alone again, naturally



Now looking back over the years
And whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears
And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally



"Alone Again, Naturally" by Gilbert O'Sullivan

Bother, Bothered, Bothering....

Etched within me...
Things that are bothering me currently (in order of decreasing occurence):



1) Her..her...HeR..HEr..hEr..hER..her...Her..heR...HER...her...and her...*sheesh*



2) Studies..yes...I've lagged way too far behind..well...due to point number 1. and of cos e rest of e points that are coming up. Summore exams coming soon...



3) financial...FiNaNcIaL...fInAnCiAl...FINANCial...finance~!



4) Waterpolo...waterpolo...this can be divided to two parts.. one is my own waterpolo skills and training...i am still a long way before i actually attain half of wat i used to be..need to train~! need to train~! MORE MORE MORE!!! WHACK AR~! Secondly is about SA waterpolo..situation there doesnt seem to bode well...gosh...wat's going on man?



5) Swimming coaching and Lifesaving course~~~ cos i FAIL FAIL FAILED...argh...craps craps craps..



6) Friends, friendship..acquaintances, bad ass buddies~ argh! where is this leading me to?



7) My responsibilities...yes..w e likes of blk rep, sports subcomm and OC logistics in my hands..i am really feeling very irresponsible...i am sooooo bo zo gang...sighz...why why why??



8) Personal well being..have I considered too much for other pple till I have forgotten that there is this one other person that I need to take care of?MYSELF~



9) Other nitty gritty stuff that seems to be coming to bother me..Now and Then...Here and There..GOSH~!



10) What is life? What am I living for?

Sitting here..

Sitting here all alone in my room, here in hall..slowly munching away on e spring roll i bought at jurong pt.....



Ah yes..i went to JP for no apparent reason once more...zzzz...while i was at it..my ez-link oso no money..was like "DIAOZ~!" x 1000...yeah...(shucks spring roll finish liaoz...) I also realised i went JP to walk only half a round of lvl B1..then i came back liao..WA LAO EH~! wat am i doing man?



Why is it that i see images of her in almost every girl i see?Yes...quite scary..juz today i saw a girl in lecture..and i almost thought it was her..like zzzzzzzzz...i am getting quite obssessed man..oh wellz..i juz went to haf a chat w ah hock while he was having dinner..i was mentioning..perhaps it's time to juz change my lifestyle..immerse myself in waterpolo..and my room..For this 4 yrs here..my life will be: waterpolo and my room..u dun see me at swimming pool means i am in my room..waterpolo, my room, waterpolo, my room, waterpolo, my room..watever..any one wan come visit me..ok lor..dun wan visit me..SO BE IT...i oso dun care..



Wow...tt sounds quite fierce..but i really was very excited abt it...sighz...



"No one lives for you except yourself.." perhaps i have taken the feelings and thoughts of others into consideration for FAR~ too long alrdy..perhaps it's time to live for myself..only for myself.."When e whole world is standing against you, you get back and stand up, ONE against e world!" Life is yours to live..choices are yours to make..take flight, or take the plunge..tt's also pretty much your own to decide..



But having said that, i still wanna continue fighting on..continue pressing on for wat i really believe in..however..as it is..it is one sided + she doesnt like me + everything seems to be against me..really makes one cui..but "I may have lost the battle, but I have not lost the war.." I shall continue to pick myself up..continue to remain positive in the light of all negativity around me..I may be the lone warrior in this battlefield..one against e world..but i shall stand tall, stand proud..e wounds are but a passing phase of yesterday's fight...painful as they may be..but it's thru these pain that i draw my strength..to noe tt i am living..to be proud that i am fighting for wat i perceive to be a worthy cause..no one may see me this way..but as long as i continue to fight..nothing in this world can stop me..



Should the final blow be struck onto me...it will only be because, i have no strength left..wounds aren't recovering fast enough..And as i draw my final breath, i will ensure that, w unwavering faith and solid hope, that all's well on ur side..And as i draw my final breath, i will ensure that i have alrdy done my best, it's time for me to rest..



As of now, the final blow is still very far..i noe i can continue on for quite a long long time..no help..nvm..no allies..nvm..rain or shine..i will continue..high or low..i will climb..back and forth..i will go..There and Back Again..my journey continues..



Till at last..in the blinding light, I will stand at e beginning of e end..At the end of what?I dunno..but as i stand there w weary feet, weak limbs, scarred body, bloodshot eyes..i will only noe wat kind of end it is..when the light dims itself...



Be it good or bad..watever the outcome..I juz wan her to noe tt..whether she sees me this way or not...



I am there for her..
Always have been..
Always will be...

Unanswered Questions

Why?



Why have I fallen so much? Why do I feel this much abt her? Why do I see her this way? Why do I like her so much? Why is it that she always appear in my thoughts? Why does she take so much space in my heart? Why do I miss her so much? Why, when so much negativity has been dropped on me, do I still remain positive?



Unanswered Questions like these, can really make one go crazy...



Why have I fallen so much? I dunno..I guess..it's cos I have been on my own for way~ to long..so much so that when I finally find a girl to pin my hopes on, I completely loose control, and juz fall..fell till a depth beyond all depths..a faith beyond all faith..a hope beyond none....Why?



A Question like this, can really make one go crazy...


Why do I feel this much about her? Yet another simple yet profound question..Why?



A Question like this, can really make one go crazy...



Why do I see her this way? I have a target..I reached out..But all I grap..all I get..is something close to nothingness: Emptiness..An Illusion? I dunno..But I know she is there..Very much like a vision in a mist..I tried to reach out, extend my arms..but all I get is a blurred vision..I pull back, clench my fist..and look away..hopefully, I can see a clear vision again, so as to, once more, reach out for her..Why?



A Question like this, can really make one go crazy...



Why do I like her so much? Yes, why? She truly is wonderful..to have captured my life..My emotions are driving me wild..but yet..she remains on top of my list..So much has happened..Yet it seems that nothing has happened..I know that at this point in time, I am juz another guy left on the shelf, collecting dust..and yet..I still am very willing to give it my all, maybe even more..make the effort, maybe put in more..take the chance, even if none..for her..Why?



A Question like this, can really make one go crazy...



Why is it that she always appear in my thoughts? She must be really fit..to be always running across my mind..Wierd, isn't it? I am always thinking of her..whether or not she has made contact w me..whether or not I have seen her..whether or not I am sleeping..Whether or not...Why?



A Question like this, can really make one go crazy...



Why does she take so much space in my heart? She muz be a thief..to have stolen my heart..Subconsciously she has became a very big part of my life..I search within myself..and I no longer find myself..In fact..wat I see is..her..What is she doing in my heart?Then I look closely, I see myself..a very small myself, very much like an ant..running around her..w smiles all over His face..jumping around..trying to make her happy..trying to fulfill wat He hopes she wants..wat she needs..even if not wat He hopes to be, He still tries..But when He stops to rest..I can see that He is weary, worned out, upset, dejected, pretty much in a state where He tries to hide from her..But she doesn't see Him like that..With no one to share His woes, He continues on..yes..wat with e little attention He gets, yet He still carry on..carrying on running around her..carrying on trying..carrying on fighting..But she doesn't see Him like that..Yes, she doesn't see Him like that..To her, He is probably a piece of 'rubbish'..pest..Yes indeed, wat with the kind of treatment He gets, He still carry on..Why?



A Question like this, can really make one go crazy...



Why do I miss her so much? I muz be a poor shot..cos I keep missing her..Why?



A Question like this, can really make one go crazy...



Why, when so much negativity has been dropped on me, do I still remain positive? Is it the worth? Is it the value? Is it the rarity? Is it the heart? Is it the faith? Or is it plain I juz wanna be everything to her?



Unanswered Questions like these, can really make one go crazy...



Each time I see her w other guys..or each time I hear another guy eyeing for her..I get all riled up, all messed up..There's alrdy e big hurdle of her being attached..yet there are other small things tt's coming to disturb me..



A situation like this, coupled w the fact that I like her, can really make one go crazy..



She truly is wonderful, to have captured my life;
She muz be really fit, to be always running across my mind;
She muz be a thief, to have stolen my heart;
I muz be a poor shot, cos I keep missing her..



Why?

suddenly..

Sigh...all of a sudden, i feel super sian..lolz..


Tried studying...read a few pages of notes...then started doing other shit stuff..tried playing games..(haha yes..i was mapling..)..but play like only 10min i logged out alrdy..hmm..something is wrong w me man..can't seem to get into e mood for ANYthing..crap crap crap..lolz..


I shd be crying out 'help~! help~! help~!' instead..haha..hopefully when this wk is over..i will haf done sth...like study for econs..or play better..haha...


Tmr is SAJC open house..oh man..another day wasted...well since it is a saturday anyway..doesnt make much of a difference..

ZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZz

I failed my swimming coaching theory test~~~ T.T



Upset~



Haha...oh wellz..e only consolation i can get is..out of e 5 pple who took it..only one passed! haha...only isaac passed...(**^&%&$#!@%!##@

Yet..

Yet another week has passed..time really is crawling..but at e same time..it is flying..



Things are moving..and yet...things seem to be e same...



What do one do, when everything ard him is but an illusion..when he is one up against the world?What do one do, when he falls time and again, find renewed strenght time and again?But all the answer he ever gets, is uncertainty..and YET..he does not falter...and YET..he carries on..hoping that one day, this uncertainty turns to certainty..to a time beyond oblivion...to a time that belongs to him..



How long more can he keep up?How long more can he press on?How long more before he sits down and says, 'hey..tt's enough..'?



He juz hasn't given up..
Is it a matter of not giving up?IS it a matter of fighting for what he really believes in?



Or is it a matter of "yet"?

1st day of October

The very very first day of October..Children's Day..how many yrs haf i not celebrated this?haf i, in my whole life till today, wasted time on stupid things?on things tt juz makes one weak?


Wasted..wasted..wasted..Even this recess week has also been a waste..i am wasting my life away..the lost sheep is finding it harder and harder to pick himself up..Sad~


Perhaps..perhaps..perhaps...


1st day of October..Children's Day..Why do i feel this way?