The many things on my mind
There's been a huge amount of things running thru my mind for quite a while now...
Cant's seem to shake them off...well..tt's cos they are really very important to be shaken off anyway, but it's really wearing me down..each day i'm bogged by such thoughts and sometimes i juz lose myself wondering what should i do...
I've decided to type this out...sorta air my feelings, as i feel like exploding soon...i suppose this is a sort of release for me...
The first issue on my mind, well, since i'm still studying, is that of my academics..FYP has taken its toll in me, in terms of time, finances and even the will to fight on to study...it is just so pressing tt i dun really feel like doing anything anymore..
The exams are coming, and tt's really making things more difficult for me...FYP examiner wants amendments to report but nv reply email..gosh!!!!!!
The second thing on my mind is finances.. I've been living on the edge for quite some time now, but at least i'm still able to survive..Hell, but what's gonna happen once i'm done w uni? It's so difficult to secure a job now, and i cannot always count on Lua to help me in this aspect...The cost of living here is nothing but an uphill climb, and yet jobs dun pay so good (assuming i do get one)...money money money...everything needs money...on top of bills, there's still repayment for my dad's CPF (for uni fees)..transport isn't exactly very cheap, let alone getting a car...there's oso the need to save money for wedding, for marriage, and also for miscellaneous spendings...what abt the random outings, gatherings, cravings and the momentous spur of moments purchases? I really dun wan her to be working so hard, i wanna support her in every way i can in this aspect...No money no money no money...
The next thing on my mind...is somewhat sth tt's been bothering me for very very very very long...and tt's e fact tt i can't let go to allow her haf her own time out w herself (which pretty much includes her family, her frens, and basically herself)....i noe deep down tt i cannot be holding so tight, i haf to ease up and not worry so much...but somehow, this is an innate body function...i've tried to go slp w/o thinking abt it, but e body juz refuses to rest whenever she's out there somewhere..it's not tt i dun trust her (well, actually it's e rest of society i dun trust, but heck, what's there to trust anyway?), and i know very well she can take care of herself, but somehow i juz can't seem to let it go...i'm really trying to curb this feeling, this inner sensation, to really fight it, and hopefully one day i can be rid of this pressure...i'd need to be stronger psychologically..
Another big thing on my mind is her...her for her...her for everything she is...I'm really worried about her...how she is always working all e time...not getting enough rest, degrading her health...gosh..i wish i cld juz do sth for her...and looking back on my previous paragraph, i'm pretty sure i hvn exactly been a good help to her...sigh...i really feel useless at this point in time...and this feeling really sux...
Sucks big time!
Sigh...even after writing this..i still feel like a piece of shit...
Feel like crying sometimes...but i've alrdy promised myself tt i cannot let tears drop for such issues anymore..I need to be stronger...i am my own pillar of life...
Only problem is, no matter how independent a person is, one will always need a partner, to support in times of need, in times of turmoil..But at this point in time, tt partner has enough of her own problems already, so pretty much i'm on my own...
I'm on my own... ...
